Disclaimer: The following post may be offensive. Scratch that, it WILL be offensive. If you are a sensitive soul or a reasonable person or a minor, do NOT read on.
Consider yourself duly warned.
I must admit that my name has already been tarnished in office as the desperate one. I have tried my luck on every lady in office albeit with little success. So I have a small paunch, what people call ‘a receding hairline’ is actually just a bad hairstyle and I enjoy onions with my parathas – does that make me virtually un-dateable in office?
It’s as though with my employment contract came an addendum warning them of my lecherousness.
I do occasionally try to wisecrack with the hot single ones careful not be ‘Vishakha-ed’ only to be skillfully rejected.
But with the season of interns around, each summer a hoard of new possibilities arise. Two weeks ago I went to my partner and told her that I needed an intern to make a list of documents for the diligence. In comes Ramona.
She was not just your average Ramona, she was R-A-M-O-N-A.
With sexiness oozing from every inch of her body, I could not help but “help myself” while thinking of her. I fantasized playing with her in the office washroom while the rest of the associates fingered their keyboards.
Queue short introductions and I realized she was fun to be with and I needed some action. And so the rules were set and the battle lines drawn. I was leading a team of two associates and Ramona. I bossed around talking to the in-house counsel and the CA asking for documents and pretending to be busy and important. (Afterall she needed to know who was the real boss).
After a week of talking politics, Dawsons Creek, Indian Idol auditions and indulging in some sexual innuendo-filled flirting, I realized that Friday night was the tipping point. So I casually asked her during the evening coffee break what she was doing later in the night. She told me she was free and clearly indicated that she liked her Martini shaken and not stirred.
Post work I took her to my favorite bar and acted as if everyone around knew me and before I knew it, she was my new laptop. We made love in the cab. We made love in the living room. A few utensils were scattered in the kitchen and the bed looked like it had been through a tsunami.
Finally, I had SEX! Sex with someone from the office (literally)! I had joined the ranks of Bill Clinton.
With two weeks left, we could keep exchanging our bodily chutneys and there were no strings attached.
As I lay there, satisfied and wondering if I should ‘eat at my house’ again or should try ‘eating in office’, she spoke those golden words “So what do you think my chances are for a PPO at Big Law”.
WTF! THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING. I thought I was the player here. I was the stud muffin. I was that alpha male that made women dig me for my awesomeness. My testosterone retreated faster than a baby to a salty nipple. I was played by this intern!
I mumbled a short “ofcourse you do have a chance, you are the smartest intern ever”. I think I almost wept when I took a shower the next day. The next time we tried to hook up, I kissed and left hurriedly. Somehow my manhood couldn’t take that I was gamed by an intern.
She wasn’t the best intern we had, but I still recommended her to the partner purely rating the sex praying she wouldn’t make it. I didn’t add her on Facebook. I am writing this so that I can get it out of my system and feel better. Now I know what ‘sucking’ up to bosses means.
Flings just sound sexy, but they probably never are sexy.
Fellow associates, beware of the cunning intern.
[Dudediligence is a BigLaw certified asshole. He loves his beer, her b88bs and banter. Like DudeDiligence on Facebook, he deserves your love and attention- http://www.facebook.com/DudeDiligence# . Are you following “Dudediligence1” on Twitter? He can be personally abused at diligencedude at gmail.com. ]
Comments
dudediligence, exercise due diligence ! :P
Some frustrated Associates are too desperate to fish the internees.
Disclaimers apply and should be heeded.
Sex should not be a taboo subject, I agree. But, THIS is something very personal, and should be restricted to the personal sphere only.
We can't justify our misdeamanors on a portal as high and popular as LI. Due regard has to be had as to the admixture of the audience when publishing any post. Everyone cannot be mature enough to read the post through the lens of the disclaimer. The point generally hits past any disclaimer or warning. This fact is evident from the fact that, the moment you tell someone not to read something, they will definitely read it. These are just my opinions, though, subject to disputations and counter-views.
I personally love his writing and so do most other people I shared this with. Keep it up dude and let us hear more of you. Amidst that ton of trashy chick literature, you are the sole bastion for us men.
I generally agree that Dude Diligence is usually offensive and sexist.
But it is also clearly (hopefully!) a piece of fiction and a satire of the stereotypical chauvinist associate.
Much in this post has been in bad taste perhaps, but nothing is pornographic or so offensive that it should attract heavy censorship, in this case.
Would it help if it carried an even bigger disclaimer and required some other secondary action or confirmation to read the post?
Kian what has happened to people that they cannot distinguish fact from fiction and appreciate (crass) humour. I wonder if this blog was an actual chapter of a book, would they file a case for showing lawyers in a bad light? This discussion has inspired be to write something for these pseudo intellectual guardian of law sorts.
I am pleased to know that some of you realised that I was the victim in the situation and hopefully after undergoing counseling my testosterone levels will be restored.
For those of you who want to know what DudeDiligence has been upto in office between blog-posts, like him on http://www.facebook.com/DudeDiligence#, he deserves your affection!
Oh, and Dude, keep them coming, big fan. :D
Long time since we read your posts.
Kian, cut the DD(oh yeah) some slack.