As I walk into the lift, I’m greeted by a cheery “Hiya mate, you awwright Bob?”. “Very well, thank you”, say I and engage with Robert in the well rehearsed lift-banter about work and holiday plans.

However, as a product of one of India’s oldest schools (which preaches the Queen’s English), I’ve often wondered what it is that makes the British speak this strange, perverse tongue. However, after years of being left speechless and confused by it, I have decoded bits of this mysterious (and rather risqué) dialect.

So, if you are planning to move here from India any time soon, here is Modern Bob’s short guide to the lingo at Colby, Hewitt and Richards LLP to get you started:

1. If you are offered a banger by a female colleague at a breakfast meeting, do not get excited. A banger is an English sausage.
2. Don’t get worried if your boss reprimands you for a cock-up. He is merely furious at the mess you have created and is not disapproving of the healthy functioning of your anatomy.
3. After a particularly long night at work, someone may ask you whether you wish to be knocked-up. This refers to waking you up by knocking on your door. Just tell them you have an alarm clock.
4. Being somebody’s mate can be a purely platonic activity.
5. Do not refer girls who hail from Essex as Essex girls. You will get reported for sexual harassment for alluding to their collective depraved character.
6. If your boss tells you he is going home because he/she is feeling dicky, don’t judge. He/she is just unwell.
7. A rubber is an item of stationery. Do not giggle like a schoolgirl when your boss asks for one in the middle of the night.
8. Geezers are old people, not a source of hot water.
9. Grub is food. There are no locusts, beetles or cockroaches on the canteen menu.
10. The unspoken golden rule is that every verbal or written communication must end with “Cheers”. As this rule applies across the board, don’t spend your time in office trying to discover the secret drinking society.

Cheers,

Modern Bob